MEMOIR TO MY CLOSEST FRIEND....

You are so strong you are so brave,
You raise my heart in its darkest hour.
You lift my eyes that are full of tears
And let them roll like dew off flowers.

How much I love you, I could never say
No heart, nor love could contain it all
I wish most to befriend you forever
And hold you up too, so we never fall.

Sometimes life gives things so unjust
To you, and me making life spirits wilt
Next to you I can fly free of painful hurt
And know that on a solid rock, we are built

My friend forever I will love you,
You will never know how much you’ve done
To make my tears from hollowed hearts
Turn from acid to the shinning in the sun.

I honor you in ways that match your worth
I want you to know I’ll stand with you ‘til the end
I’ve never known I could love so much
Until I met her, Krista, my very best friend.

Why?!?!

Why do awful things happen to good people? And why does it always seem like people who aren't so good, get the best of everything? Maybe it's because our God is not a respector of persons. It's our own little human minds that make us believe that we deserve something more than death. It's as if because we serve God we are subject to some sort of cheap favors from him. Now granted, he loves us and I believe that he does bless the righteous of heart and keep them from something that might other wise harm them, but he loves the ones who don't pray constantly, never read the bible, and have never set foot inside a church. For me that's a hard thing to wrap my head around. I guess the scripture that says it is not by works that we inherit the kingdom but only by faith. Sometimes i wonder why all of these awful things are happeing all around me, children are sick, men and women are leaving their families in search of "true happiness" out there that will never be found, disease, perverseness, murder...what in this world is going on? I can only sit back and be thankful for what i DO have int his life. Yeah i don't have a husband who's around, but i have great children and a good job....isn't that enough? These days keep rolling by and i feel as if i'm slipping into a kind of trance. Like i'm not really living anymore, just breathing, and walking, nothing else. I sometimes wonder if this is all this life has to offer me, but there I go again expecting to feel happy and my life to be perfect all the time. Oh well i guess for now i'll just walk...until i feel the life breathed back into me.

TO ALL THE STRONG WOMEN OUT THERE...WHO SELDOMLY GET RECOGNIZED!

Someone sent me this through e-mail and it touched my heart i hope it touches yours also....

God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

To sign or not to sign?

Wow today, I'm really ticked. I feel like my husband is constantly playing head games. It sucks. I'm always okay until i see him face to face then all the emotions just start flooding back. Why can't i just get over him, and let all this go. It's funny...for a long time i never found him attractive and now that i can't have him, he's like morphing into Brad Pitt or something. THIS SUCKS! For a long time i felt really guilty about filing divorce papers, but he's constantly saying and proving that he doesn't love me anymore. i went and got my papers last week, and i'm thinking i'm gonna file shortly. I can't handle this Limbo anymore. He loves me, he loves me not....who really cares anymore. Things have just gotten so weird and out of control. It's time to take a step towards getting through this. If he doesn't want to be home with us, then i feel like i should set him free. I Just want to make the right decision. Continue to pray for me and my kids...and that i will make the right choices for us. Love you all...

Missed you....

Hello guys...I haven't updated in a while. Things are okay...i'm still breathing. The crying so much has slowed down to a slow leak...but i'm healing. I'm still a little confused about this whole situation, but for the most part, day to day things just get a little clearer. You can't make someone love you anymore than you can drink the entire ocean through a straw. I really feel in my heart i have one of two options. Do I wait around and hope one day the man that i married will turn his eyes away from this world and all of it's offerings back to me, or do i just let it all go. With one long deep breath just sigh it all out and let it evaporate into the air. I think that's what I'll do. Someday, somehow i will be happy again....and love again...i have to, because that's who i am. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers during such a tough time in my life. I need them and appreciate them sincerely. Talk to you soon.
ps.
I'm working on a new song(one that's currently written on a napkin ontop of my rather small plastic keyboard :) tell me what you think of this small portion...

Here I am Lord
Lost and broken in this world
Can you hear my Cries
Of shouts and praises
Glory to the Lamb on high
My Adonai

Here we stand Lord
We won't be moved
lift up the battle cry
Raise your voices
Glory to the Lamb on high
My El Shaddai ... (still a work in progress)