Let's Bring in the New Year....

So this year has been really tough. I've cried, I've laughed but most of all I've loved. I can honestly say that I have loved much this year. Sometimes life throws things our way that just plain, don't make any sense, but you know what, as my Dad would say "you just gotta roll on." I love my children more than I can ever express. I'm learning through being alone with them, that they are so beautiful and special in their own ways. Jordan is so helpful and such a blessing in my life. He truly has my spirit. He loves to make people laugh, and he will go to any lengths to do so (sounds really familiar). Just ask Amanda or Jennifer about his booty shakin contest he had all by himself at home one night. He's tender too. Last night Noah was sick and while we laying in my bed Jordan said "momma let's pray for my brother to feel good." I said okay you go ahead, and I understand now what the Bible means when it says "from the mouths of babes..." This was his prayer:

"Dear Jesus, Thank you for this wonderful day. Please make my brother well. Heal his body, help him not to throw up one more time. Heal my body, my mommy's body, my daddy's body and Noah's body. In Jesus name, AMEN."

He did that all on his own....i didn't say a thing, in fact, i couldn't for a moment after i was so amazed by the faith and trust in God by my 4 year old son. We can all learn from children. He's amazing.
Noah, is special too. He has such a sweet heart, and a crooked smile (from thumb sucking) that could light up a room. He so gentle when he wants to be. He is my heart. He loves to cuddle blankets and suck his little thumb...he's my little Lynus. He gives kisses that would make you melt. Together Jordan and Noah are the most perfect parts of me....and more than i could have ever hoped for in two amazing little boys.
So with our forces combined, the three of us could pretty much go and join a three ring circus, or make our own movie, or even just be us in 2010. So many great things are gonna come out of this new year. New beginnings, new hopes, new goals, new dreams for 2010. I'm ready to face this new year running, and with a healthy expectation for good things to come my way, after all God is steering me through the rapids of life....if i fall out of the raft sometimes, i gotta know that God will through me a limb or something to hold on to. When i feel like giving up I just gotta keep giving it to him, and just look at my children and know....it will all be alright this year....2010.

...He's pretty much AWESOME....

You know, I'm truly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by awkwardness, but mostly by God's love for me...and you. I find it strange that when a person is so weak God makes himself an amazing source of strength in their life and we don't even realize it. God is so good, and I am so not, and that's the beauty of this whole relationship. Where I'm weak (or lacking) he makes up for it. Where He's too perfect (if that's possible) He created me to make up for it. Wow...what an amazing thing to think about. Without God I am unbalanced, and without me, He feels the same. That's why he's jealous for us and our attention and praise. He needs us just as much as we need Him. There is no room for other distractions in this sort of relationship. I hope I can get to that place, where I can try and love him as much as he loves me. I'm always failing and He never does....so it pretty much sucks! But, thank God that he came like a baby 2 days from now 2000 years ago so that I can suck....and He can be pretty much AWESOME! Thank you Lord for loving a wretch like me, and considering me special enough to inherit your love, acceptance and forgiveness. All my love,
Britt

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

Today I lift mine eyes unto the rising sun.
Tonight I will burrow away and wait until it's done.
Tomorrow I will stand on the promise you gave to me.
For now, I will wait, wait 'til I can see.

Today I walk about, through your lost city.
Tonight I will shrink back into the garment of self pity.
Tomorrow I will try again to take just one step ahead.
For now, I will wait, and remember all that you've said.

Today I sing your praises, feeling very strong.
Tonight I will cry aloud, 'cause I know he's really gone.
Tomorrow I will breath again and go back to being mom.
For now, I will try to match the beating of your drum.

One day I will be alright, your strength makes all things new.
One night I will be free, my burdens, my troubles, will all be few.
One 'morrow I'll sing songs to you, draw a life line in the sand.
For now though Lord, though it is tough, on you alone I'll stand.

Dear Daddy,

What's up Dad,
I'm not doing so good down here. I have good moments then bad ones.....it's like you're off helping someone else right now. My mind seems to be wandering away from you and on to things that will feel good momentarily. Dad, i need you now. I'm frustrated and tired of feeling like a fat woman with bi-polar disorder. One second i'm crying, and the next i'm on top of the world....i know you see me. Are you really dancing over me like 24/7? If so can i join in...cause i'm not really feeling lite in my loafers these days. The world seemed to jump on my back and now i'm carrying it around like sack of potatoes...it's pretty heavy pops! I know you said your sacks are lite so maybe you could take 1 or 35 of mine so i can actually make my way down the streets of this life. I know you miss me talking to you, help me to make time for our daily conversations. Hug me. I need to feel your presence more than ever. Are you listening...cause it feels like i'm just jabbering away at myself. Dad, help me not to try and get even in this life, but you avenge me oh God i pray. Help not one of my hurts, or one single tear go unoticed by you. I'm your little girl...beat 'em all up for me pleasesesese?! Love you

Inhale....Exhale....life goes....

Inhale life, and the sweet essecences of hope. Exhale negativity, and sadness. Inhale truth, love.....laugh. Exhale cry...it's okay. Inhale healing....bask in it. Exhale hate, tears of anger. Inhale newness, something fresh. Exhale...cry...it's still okay. Inhale the season for which i live. Exhale...the thought of being alone. Cry....it's still okay, it's part of healing. Inhale....enjoy the little moments with the two best parts of me. Exhale...the sadness of being alone. Inhale...Exhale....Life goes...

Broken Vows....

I begged him again on friday when he dropped off the kids...he told me once again "that he cared for me, but just wasn't IN love with me anymore." What a hard pill to swallow. This february would've been our 6 year mark. 6 years with same person. All i've known for over half a decade is him. He's only been gone for 39 days, yet already he acts as if he never knew me. Maybe he didn't, maybe I didn't. I'm sad, and at a loss for words. I always thought things could be worked out as long as it was only outer madness that was involved, but unfortuantely he's taken it to matters of the heart. He has basically taken my heart that i vowed only to him, and turned it into his own personal ball of clay. No man deserves that power. He cheated....yeah i said it. I promised to keep it real, raw and there's nothing more transparent than this. Who cares if it's sex or only a thought. Infidelity is all the same. He broke his vow. He says, to him, we're already divorced....but we're not. He has strange women calling and sharing inimate moments with him, MY HUSBAND...and it's not me. It's all so bizarre. Here i stand lost, cold and once again alone. Lord help my strength flourish. Help me not to question where i went wrong, or why i wasn't enough. Help me to forgive....!

Totally Forget About The Last Post....

You know all that crap I wrote about finally being able to breathe and blah blah blah...well I lied. Actually...I can't breathe at all. I'm actually drowning in my own emotions. I'm so confused about life and everything that's involved with it that I can't see straight. I want to be happy but right now I'm not. I'm so confused, and angry it's not funny. Why do good people always get the worst part of every situation. Maybe i'm not so good. Who I am right now is someone I don't recognize...everything I've ever dreamed is being blown right out the window like a fan blowing a every part of my life to be just distributed into the atmosphere. I'm so scared... and alone. No person can help me feel what i truly want to feel...only God can guide me now....Lord, Help me to find myself in the midst of a horrible situation...help me to feel your hand even though I'm in the dark, lost, cold, scared and alone. Amen (exclamation point)