The Exclamation Point

MEMOIR TO MY CLOSEST FRIEND....

2010-02-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

You are so strong you are so brave,
You raise my heart in its darkest hour.
You lift my eyes that are full of tears
And let them roll like dew off flowers.

How much I love you, I could never say
No heart, nor love could contain it all
I wish most to befriend you forever
And hold you up too, so we never fall.

Sometimes life gives things so unjust
To you, and me making life spirits wilt
Next to you I can fly free of painful hurt
And know that on a solid rock, we are built

My friend forever I will love you,
You will never know how much you’ve done
To make my tears from hollowed hearts
Turn from acid to the shinning in the sun.

I honor you in ways that match your worth
I want you to know I’ll stand with you ‘til the end
I’ve never known I could love so much
Until I met her, Krista, my very best friend.

Why?!?!

2010-01-22T11:58:00.001-08:00

Why do awful things happen to good people? And why does it always seem like people who aren't so good, get the best of everything? Maybe it's because our God is not a respector of persons. It's our own little human minds that make us believe that we deserve something more than death. It's as if because we serve God we are subject to some sort of cheap favors from him. Now granted, he loves us and I believe that he does bless the righteous of heart and keep them from something that might other wise harm them, but he loves the ones who don't pray constantly, never read the bible, and have never set foot inside a church. For me that's a hard thing to wrap my head around. I guess the scripture that says it is not by works that we inherit the kingdom but only by faith. Sometimes i wonder why all of these awful things are happeing all around me, children are sick, men and women are leaving their families in search of "true happiness" out there that will never be found, disease, perverseness, murder...what in this world is going on? I can only sit back and be thankful for what i DO have int his life. Yeah i don't have a husband who's around, but i have great children and a good job....isn't that enough? These days keep rolling by and i feel as if i'm slipping into a kind of trance. Like i'm not really living anymore, just breathing, and walking, nothing else. I sometimes wonder if this is all this life has to offer me, but there I go again expecting to feel happy and my life to be perfect all the time. Oh well i guess for now i'll just walk...until i feel the life breathed back into me.

TO ALL THE STRONG WOMEN OUT THERE...WHO SELDOMLY GET RECOGNIZED!

2010-01-19T13:30:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me this through e-mail and it touched my heart i hope it touches yours also....

God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

To sign or not to sign?

2010-01-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

Wow today, I'm really ticked. I feel like my husband is constantly playing head games. It sucks. I'm always okay until i see him face to face then all the emotions just start flooding back. Why can't i just get over him, and let all this go. It's funny...for a long time i never found him attractive and now that i can't have him, he's like morphing into Brad Pitt or something. THIS SUCKS! For a long time i felt really guilty about filing divorce papers, but he's constantly saying and proving that he doesn't love me anymore. i went and got my papers last week, and i'm thinking i'm gonna file shortly. I can't handle this Limbo anymore. He loves me, he loves me not....who really cares anymore. Things have just gotten so weird and out of control. It's time to take a step towards getting through this. If he doesn't want to be home with us, then i feel like i should set him free. I Just want to make the right decision. Continue to pray for me and my kids...and that i will make the right choices for us. Love you all...

Missed you....

2010-01-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

Hello guys...I haven't updated in a while. Things are okay...i'm still breathing. The crying so much has slowed down to a slow leak...but i'm healing. I'm still a little confused about this whole situation, but for the most part, day to day things just get a little clearer. You can't make someone love you anymore than you can drink the entire ocean through a straw. I really feel in my heart i have one of two options. Do I wait around and hope one day the man that i married will turn his eyes away from this world and all of it's offerings back to me, or do i just let it all go. With one long deep breath just sigh it all out and let it evaporate into the air. I think that's what I'll do. Someday, somehow i will be happy again....and love again...i have to, because that's who i am. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers during such a tough time in my life. I need them and appreciate them sincerely. Talk to you soon.
ps.
I'm working on a new song(one that's currently written on a napkin ontop of my rather small plastic keyboard :) tell me what you think of this small portion...

Here I am Lord
Lost and broken in this world
Can you hear my Cries
Of shouts and praises
Glory to the Lamb on high
My Adonai

Here we stand Lord
We won't be moved
lift up the battle cry
Raise your voices
Glory to the Lamb on high
My El Shaddai ... (still a work in progress)

Let's Bring in the New Year....

2009-12-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

So this year has been really tough. I've cried, I've laughed but most of all I've loved. I can honestly say that I have loved much this year. Sometimes life throws things our way that just plain, don't make any sense, but you know what, as my Dad would say "you just gotta roll on." I love my children more than I can ever express. I'm learning through being alone with them, that they are so beautiful and special in their own ways. Jordan is so helpful and such a blessing in my life. He truly has my spirit. He loves to make people laugh, and he will go to any lengths to do so (sounds really familiar). Just ask Amanda or Jennifer about his booty shakin contest he had all by himself at home one night. He's tender too. Last night Noah was sick and while we laying in my bed Jordan said "momma let's pray for my brother to feel good." I said okay you go ahead, and I understand now what the Bible means when it says "from the mouths of babes..." This was his prayer:

"Dear Jesus, Thank you for this wonderful day. Please make my brother well. Heal his body, help him not to throw up one more time. Heal my body, my mommy's body, my daddy's body and Noah's body. In Jesus name, AMEN."

He did that all on his own....i didn't say a thing, in fact, i couldn't for a moment after i was so amazed by the faith and trust in God by my 4 year old son. We can all learn from children. He's amazing.
Noah, is special too. He has such a sweet heart, and a crooked smile (from thumb sucking) that could light up a room. He so gentle when he wants to be. He is my heart. He loves to cuddle blankets and suck his little thumb...he's my little Lynus. He gives kisses that would make you melt. Together Jordan and Noah are the most perfect parts of me....and more than i could have ever hoped for in two amazing little boys.
So with our forces combined, the three of us could pretty much go and join a three ring circus, or make our own movie, or even just be us in 2010. So many great things are gonna come out of this new year. New beginnings, new hopes, new goals, new dreams for 2010. I'm ready to face this new year running, and with a healthy expectation for good things to come my way, after all God is steering me through the rapids of life....if i fall out of the raft sometimes, i gotta know that God will through me a limb or something to hold on to. When i feel like giving up I just gotta keep giving it to him, and just look at my children and know....it will all be alright this year....2010.

...He's pretty much AWESOME....

2009-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

You know, I'm truly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by awkwardness, but mostly by God's love for me...and you. I find it strange that when a person is so weak God makes himself an amazing source of strength in their life and we don't even realize it. God is so good, and I am so not, and that's the beauty of this whole relationship. Where I'm weak (or lacking) he makes up for it. Where He's too perfect (if that's possible) He created me to make up for it. Wow...what an amazing thing to think about. Without God I am unbalanced, and without me, He feels the same. That's why he's jealous for us and our attention and praise. He needs us just as much as we need Him. There is no room for other distractions in this sort of relationship. I hope I can get to that place, where I can try and love him as much as he loves me. I'm always failing and He never does....so it pretty much sucks! But, thank God that he came like a baby 2 days from now 2000 years ago so that I can suck....and He can be pretty much AWESOME! Thank you Lord for loving a wretch like me, and considering me special enough to inherit your love, acceptance and forgiveness. All my love,
Britt

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

2009-12-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today I lift mine eyes unto the rising sun.
Tonight I will burrow away and wait until it's done.
Tomorrow I will stand on the promise you gave to me.
For now, I will wait, wait 'til I can see.

Today I walk about, through your lost city.
Tonight I will shrink back into the garment of self pity.
Tomorrow I will try again to take just one step ahead.
For now, I will wait, and remember all that you've said.

Today I sing your praises, feeling very strong.
Tonight I will cry aloud, 'cause I know he's really gone.
Tomorrow I will breath again and go back to being mom.
For now, I will try to match the beating of your drum.

One day I will be alright, your strength makes all things new.
One night I will be free, my burdens, my troubles, will all be few.
One 'morrow I'll sing songs to you, draw a life line in the sand.
For now though Lord, though it is tough, on you alone I'll stand.

Dear Daddy,

2009-12-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

What's up Dad,
I'm not doing so good down here. I have good moments then bad ones.....it's like you're off helping someone else right now. My mind seems to be wandering away from you and on to things that will feel good momentarily. Dad, i need you now. I'm frustrated and tired of feeling like a fat woman with bi-polar disorder. One second i'm crying, and the next i'm on top of the world....i know you see me. Are you really dancing over me like 24/7? If so can i join in...cause i'm not really feeling lite in my loafers these days. The world seemed to jump on my back and now i'm carrying it around like sack of potatoes...it's pretty heavy pops! I know you said your sacks are lite so maybe you could take 1 or 35 of mine so i can actually make my way down the streets of this life. I know you miss me talking to you, help me to make time for our daily conversations. Hug me. I need to feel your presence more than ever. Are you listening...cause it feels like i'm just jabbering away at myself. Dad, help me not to try and get even in this life, but you avenge me oh God i pray. Help not one of my hurts, or one single tear go unoticed by you. I'm your little girl...beat 'em all up for me pleasesesese?! Love you

Inhale....Exhale....life goes....

2009-12-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

Inhale life, and the sweet essecences of hope. Exhale negativity, and sadness. Inhale truth, love.....laugh. Exhale cry...it's okay. Inhale healing....bask in it. Exhale hate, tears of anger. Inhale newness, something fresh. Exhale...cry...it's still okay. Inhale the season for which i live. Exhale...the thought of being alone. Cry....it's still okay, it's part of healing. Inhale....enjoy the little moments with the two best parts of me. Exhale...the sadness of being alone. Inhale...Exhale....Life goes...

Broken Vows....

2009-12-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

I begged him again on friday when he dropped off the kids...he told me once again "that he cared for me, but just wasn't IN love with me anymore." What a hard pill to swallow. This february would've been our 6 year mark. 6 years with same person. All i've known for over half a decade is him. He's only been gone for 39 days, yet already he acts as if he never knew me. Maybe he didn't, maybe I didn't. I'm sad, and at a loss for words. I always thought things could be worked out as long as it was only outer madness that was involved, but unfortuantely he's taken it to matters of the heart. He has basically taken my heart that i vowed only to him, and turned it into his own personal ball of clay. No man deserves that power. He cheated....yeah i said it. I promised to keep it real, raw and there's nothing more transparent than this. Who cares if it's sex or only a thought. Infidelity is all the same. He broke his vow. He says, to him, we're already divorced....but we're not. He has strange women calling and sharing inimate moments with him, MY HUSBAND...and it's not me. It's all so bizarre. Here i stand lost, cold and once again alone. Lord help my strength flourish. Help me not to question where i went wrong, or why i wasn't enough. Help me to forgive....!

Totally Forget About The Last Post....

2009-12-12T15:49:00.000-08:00

You know all that crap I wrote about finally being able to breathe and blah blah blah...well I lied. Actually...I can't breathe at all. I'm actually drowning in my own emotions. I'm so confused about life and everything that's involved with it that I can't see straight. I want to be happy but right now I'm not. I'm so confused, and angry it's not funny. Why do good people always get the worst part of every situation. Maybe i'm not so good. Who I am right now is someone I don't recognize...everything I've ever dreamed is being blown right out the window like a fan blowing a every part of my life to be just distributed into the atmosphere. I'm so scared... and alone. No person can help me feel what i truly want to feel...only God can guide me now....Lord, Help me to find myself in the midst of a horrible situation...help me to feel your hand even though I'm in the dark, lost, cold, scared and alone. Amen (exclamation point)

He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump....

2009-12-10T12:24:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get. Seriously, I made that up and sold it to ol' Forest Gumpster(which is why i'm loaded and driving a candy painted Escalade...for real check and see). It's so true though. YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW! Life can turn so quickly it's like falling asleep into a really bad dream...and then never waking up. In my case, I was never awake, just always asleep. Now my eyes have been opened into real life. The sad part is I would've stayed asleep forever probably...never knowing that this other side of life....peace...love.....and true existence was even available to me. I thank my God in heaven that he has given me another opportunity to actually live, love, breathe again. Only His hand sustains me in this life...without him...LIFE REALLY IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES...

I Wonder....

2009-12-09T09:59:00.001-08:00

I wonder sometimes if people will break your heart just to see what's inside of it. Are people really that selfish, that they take something so beautiful and perfect, the purest body part of all, raise it over their heads....and release without another thought(exclamation point)! Then hurry to where the remains are spread around, and take their big ugly finger and carelessly make crop circles through the broken pieces? Sometimes that's really how I feel. They search and search for something magical to come spilling out of the brokeness of the heart...but all that's found is the cold grey fragments of an already withered heart. The tru heart (yeah i said TRU....that's gangsta) is not something physical to be ripped away from the body...the tru heart still resides where it's always been. Somewhere really deep inside where no man, no woman, no being, no amount of hurt, pain, rejection can possibly have a long enough arm to reach. Where the heart lives in secret, and flourishes with life, love & laughter. Where that magical solution, that someone thought would bleed from your wouded heart, continues to sparkle, and live, and love, and call for the one who can touch the tru heart, not to break it for it's contents, but simply to hold it.....Ladies and Gentlemen....The Exclamation Point

This is me.....

2009-12-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

My name is Brittney Patrice Martinez. I am 25 years old. I have two beautiful sons. I live in a small town in Florida. Faith is important to me....blah blah blah. All of these things are true, but I can just about promise that if I continue on with that garbage you would never read what I have to say. Actually, to keep it one hun (slang for being 100% honest for all you oldies but goodies)I don't really care if you read this, or if anyone does for that matter. This is for me me me.....selfish, i know, but brutally honest. The title of this blog is the exclamation point simply because everything right now in my life seems to be followed by one of those weird little symbols that mean everything. An exclamation point can make or break the meaning of a sentence for example: "My husband left me." OR "My husband left me!" Which one is more believable? Which one mounds sugar ontop of what the sentence actually means? It doesn't matter in the slightest because they are both 100% true!!! I am in my second month of my universe being rocked to it's very core. Everything I've known for the last 6 years is totally being smashed and melted together to look like something very similar to one of these "!" Wow. Now that I have that off my chest my deepest hope is in some weird way this outpouring of emotion may possibly help someone else....Please put your hands together.....I give you, THE EXCLAMATION POINT.

!!bRiTtNeY!!